One by one

I'm still trying to pick up the pieces of my life. 2014 had been a very strange year, both taxing and rewarding. It required a lot of compromises, took all the energy I had, but it made me grow in unprecedented measures and in unexpected directions.
I learned about myself that

• yes, I want to do some form of crafting every day
• I want that to be my job. It's my true calling
• I'm not like everyone else around me and that is okay
• I still suck at saying no
• my aversion to conflict is at a very unhealthy level
• I have great girl friends, and I even made a few new ones
• television is still better than movies
• I need working out more than I previously thought
• I came across the definition of demigirl and realized I might be one
• I came across the definition of demisexual and realized I am one
• I feel less of a freak now that I know the thing I am has a name and is not a deviation but a variant
• I need to improve my skills
• I am still the opposite of confident but I am getting better at pretending 
• I really hate fruit. Every fruit
• it is theoretically possible to have a merry christmas
• I am ISTP
• I still suck at self motivating
• I really love my customers at the needlework shop. All of them.
• I need to use more tools the internet provides me. I got into Tumblr and Instagram and Craftsy, just learning the tricks of Ravelry right now

So here's hoping that 2015 will be less of a bumpy ride and will let me lie back for a minute every now and then!

Further conflicts

I want to look pretty but I don't want anyone to notice.

I want to be attractive but not attract people.

I want to listen to people but I don't want to talk to them.

I want to start new project but I don't want any new WIPs.

I want to know everything that happened to me but I don't want to remember.

I want to know how the story ends but I want no spoilers.

I want to travel but I don't want to leave the comfort of my home.

I'm hungry but I don't wanna have to eat.

I want to be more womanly but I prefer being seen as a person.

I want to discuss ideas but I don't want to argue.

I want to learn new things but I want to practice the old things.

I want to buy stash but hate spending money on stash.

I want opinions but I don't want criticism.

I want to hide but I want to shout.

I love my job but I hate to go to work.

I hate smoking but I love cigarettes.

I hate being depressed but I no longer know who I am without it.

Conflicts

I want to blog but I don't want to spend so much time typing.

I want to stitch but I don't want to finish projects.

I want to spend less time on social media but I want to know everything that happens.

I want to watch less TV but I want to know what happens with my favourite characters.

I love the way long hair looks but I prefer the way short hair feels.

I love how I look with make up but I hate how my skin can't breathe.

I love wearing short skirts but I hate the reactions it provokes from strangers.

I love listening to the same song again and again but I miss hearing new ones.

I want to be in a relationship but I can't stand the idea of being with a man.

I love long nails but they get in the way.

I love comfy, baggy clothes but I hate how they make me look like a bum.

I love being a woman but I hate not having the same options as a man.

I love cats but I hate cat hair.

I love dogs but I hate their needy tail wagging.

I love being single but I hate being alone.

Gone girl

I have disappeared again. I have no explanation. I don't mean I wouldn't share here, I mean I have no idea what happened. I have an unfinished draft on my dash called "April WIPocalypse in May", so I was already behind on blogging. I have so much to say, even more to share. And yet, I don't seem to be able to do so, and I've yet to discover the reason.

I have changed so much. I've lost my way and to my surprise, I have found courage and comfort in it. I turned 40. I no longer know who I am, what I want and which way to go. And like Alice in Wonderland, I found freedom in not knowing where I am. Whichever way I choose to go, I can't get lost. You're only lost if you want to be some place you're not and you want to get there. I don't know where I want to be. I know what I want to be. And because I'm not going anywhere, I can actually sit down, take some time and not feel under pressure. It's liberating. It's not easy. It's not comfortable. But it feels right.

I tried myself at several temp jobs. I was terrified to show up on my first days, not knowing what to do, how to do it, who my co-workers and bosses will be. I prevailed. I realized I cannot conquer fear, but I don't have to be paralysed by it. I made new friends. I picked up new skills. I had fun, and conflict, and injury, and adventures. I learned to laugh with a roaring sound and the tears of laughter run down my face, not giving a damn if anyone thinks I'm too loud. I practised saying goodbye and moving on.

I delved deeper into myself. I found a personality type I identify as. I always thought of myself as a feminist and recently I educated myself about what that means and how I can become better at it. I started facing my demons, one by one. I'm building my merits and flaws into a construct I can live in and feel at home. I stopped going to the gym, even though my body pleads for exercise every day. But now I have some soul searching to do and I cannot do both. I will hit the stationary bike again as soon as I cleaned up the mess inside me.

I recognised I need to be more assertive. I have to learn to say a number of things. First and foremost, "no". Second, "I don't care". I have felt like "I don't care" for ages, but never said it for fear of hurting others' feelings. I spent 40 years putting the feelings of others first, even if they were strangers. Their feelings were more important than my feelings, my thoughts, my needs, my rights... more important than me. No more. I made resolutions to do this before, and hated myself when I failed. No promises this time, just the effort. I will try and keep trying.

I found comfort in crafting. I unabashedly spend whatever time I can spare on planning, making, modifying my projects. No more to do lists. No more deadlines. No more pressure. I'm enjoying every second. My main goal is to learn and become even better at needlework.

I wonder if I can return to blogging. I can feel I need to have my voice heard. I will try to post something every day for November. Again, no resolutions, no deadlines, no rules. Just a promise to try and see how it works. I don't want this blog to be about cross stitching only. I want to speak my mind on whatever comes to it. Even controversial stuff. If you don't like it, feel free to unfollow my blog. The net is vast and infinite. Find someone else, someone you can agree with. If you want to pick a fight, you are not welcome here. I don't need your click. I don't need your advice. I don't need your criticism. I need support. It might not be fair, nor balanced. I don't care. It's my blog, my rules.

Here it goes.

All the SALs in the world

I keep signing up for stitch-a-longs in the hope that one of them will bring back my stitching mojo, but no luck so far. I already told you about my Mirabilia group, the tulip sampler and the Ink Circles mandala series. This year I already signed up for a Halloween SAL by Alessandra Adelaide Needleworks, another round of Ink Circles mandalas, the Save The Stitches blackwork project, another blackwork design by Brodeuse Bressane, a band sampler and the Take A Stitch Tuesday challenge on the PinTangle blog. In the meantime I have Abi's Summer Tree SAL, three HAED charts, about six Mirabilias, three L&Ls, two Dimensions kits, two Lanartes, three DMC kits, a Thea kit and a bunch of leaflet/magazine WIPs going on. I must be nuts. I know I said I won't make a fuss as long as I'm enjoying it, but I no longer do! Now I feel crushed under the sheer number of projects and feel like I have not accomplished anything in ages. I have a minor finish but I can't find any joy in it with all the others looming above my head. I have to get organized and force myself to produce a couple of big finishes before this situation is doing my head in. No more new projects for me! Okay just one: the Mojo Sampler by Abi Gurden. Maybe its name will magick the joy of stitching back into my life.

Ace of Wands

This is the picture I started last year. It's a Heaven and Earth Designs chart and the original artwork is by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law, currently my absolute favourite artist. It is the card from her Tarot series.

This is what it will look like when it's finished. As you can see, I still have a long way to go. Surprisingly, I am not worried.

This image was a love at first sight for me. I took my time with it, even though I had the chart and floss for it for some time. Then I wondered if there was anything else than looks that draws me to this particular image and googled what this card stands for. This is what I found, below... basically my big dilemma through my life. For almost forty years, I had no idea who I am and what I want to do with my life. Then I got a job at a needlework shop, and I realized that stitching and embroidery is so much more than a hobby for me. It is my passion, my dream, my life. This is what I want to do all day, every day. This is how I want to make my living. This is the legacy I wanna leave behind when I'm gone. This is how I want to express myself. For the first time of my life, I at least know which direction I should be going to figure out what I wanna be when I grow up. Now let's take this reversed card and turn it the right way up... I'm making it my goal for 2014 to figure out how I can make that happen. And I keep stitching on this project to remind myself of that.

Falling down

Holiday time is never easy. Never been, not even in childhood. Lots of arguments, tension, as much as I loved celebrating and gifts, I always wished I could avoid holidays. Now it seems harder than ever. Today I am a tear soaked mess. The flat is a mess. The tree is not there yet. The place where it's supposed to stand is cluttered with stuff. No gifts are wrapped. Some aren't even started, let alone finished. I've been crying all day, as quietly as I can so I won't alert my daughter, and I almost said "for no reason", but the truth is, there is always a reason. Feeling down, after all, is a valid reason. We live in conflict filled times. It's not like it is a challenge to find a reason to be depressed about, even for a healthy person. Imagine me, who constantly carries the seeds of sadness around in her mind. One bad look from a stranger, and it springs to bloom. Anyway, I am as far from festive as it gets. I find myself wishing I could go home, which is weird, because I AM at home. This place where I live, I have my issues with it, but it is the closest to home I have available. No where else in the world would I rather be right now. But it somehow doesn't feel like home. And the crap family movies vomited in my general direction by all television channels don't help either. It's hard enough to live in a broken family, always aware of the fact that I might be the one that broke it, but it was definitely me that pronounced it broke. I have the feeling this will be an awfully lonely christmas. Again. And I have zero choices about it. It's gonna have to go ahead in the usual fashion. I wish I could call off the whole thing, but I cannot. I just wanna spend a week without feeling miserable. No hopes there, but then again, no hopes anywhere else either.

Change of heart

I think I am growing old. The other day someone shared a photo on Facebook. It was the interior of a beautiful house, with a trail of red rose petals running from the entrance, across the room and up a flight of stairs, and my first thought was "well, I'm not cleaning that up". It made me giggle and then wonder about how I have changed through my life. As a kid, I just thought it looks like fun. In my twenties, I thought it is incredibly romantic and sexy. I had my daughter at 29, so in my thirties, my first thought would have been, "the kid's gonna choke on that", seriously, don't put anything within her reach that fits in her mouth and isn't food. Now I am going on 40, and all I can think of is "whoever threw those on the floor is going to do the hoovering, and if you step on it and it stains the carpet, I'm not gonna be the one scrubbing that clean either".

Under a spell

Tree of Stitches by Abi Gurden

You might know me as the Queen of Procrastrination and the Knight of Many Projects, so it is highly unusual of me to start a design and never touch another 'till it's done, even if we are talking about something tiny. But Tree of Stitches by Abi Gurden is not tiny. It is breathtakingly beautiful though. I joined Abi's Yahoo! mailing list, The Stitch Specialists, specifically for this design after I saw it being stitched by some of my blogger friends. I had the chart for months, but I kept delaying the start with different reasons; mainly because I have so many WIPs already, but also out of fear if I will be able to do justice to the design. I have never used so many specialty stitches in one design. I am a near perfectionist, I put the bar real high for everyone and even higher for myself. In the TSS group I regularly marveled at the beautiful stitching of others and while on one hand they have inspired me to join their ranks as a ToS stitcher, they also made me worried if I was good enough. Correction: they had me worried if I am as good as I imagine I am or am I just conceited? I have seen several versions of the tree, different fabrics and colours and sizes, and I wanted to make mine a bit different. I wanted it to reflect my own personality, the way I like to think of myself. And some of the adjectives I like to flatter myself with is versatile, complex and diverse. So I whipped out all of my hand dyed floss and tried to arrange them to form and represent the full colour spectrum. Took me weeks to decide which ones to use, but it was worth it! I started stitching five days ago and hardly stopped since! Tree of Stitches has allowed me to experience the flow of creation, making me forget the time and everything around me, forget mundane things, such as eating and sleep, kept me up 'till 3 a.m. and still leave me with more energy than I had before! And behold the magnificent sight now! The beading is still to be done, but she is already a breathtaking beauty! Is it a sin to be in love with your own stitching? Well, guilty as charged!

A walk with angels

 Warning: non-stitching related but picture heavy post follows!