Do or do not

Sorry for the strong language in advance, but can I just quickly call BS on Master Yoda and that famous saying of his?

Cannot... finish... projects!

"Seriously, what is wrong with me? I was just revising my WIPocalypse projects and realised that I have three I could finish in mere days. Feasting Frenzy and the Permin butterfly kit are just a few backstitches away from being done, while Lady of the Thread needs only a few missing crosses. I thought with all these other projects and SALs going on it would be easier to let go of my finished pieces, but no! Honestly, I have no idea why I'm doing this."

I wrote the lines above...two and a half years ago. It seems like ages ago. I have finished all those projects but the issue still remains. Little Wings and Isabella's Garden are but a few hours away from being completed and I cannot seem to be able to bring myself to finish them. Why?

It's not like I would run out of things to stitch. I have over 30 projects in my WIP pile. Might be 40 or 50, I no longer keep count.

What is wrong with me? I have this unfightable urge to create, I love seeing the project go, when I am a week or two to go, all I ever think about, all I wanna do, is stitch. And then I reach a point where only the last touches need to be applied, and that is the point where I freeze. I can not touch it. I can't even bear looking at it. But why?

Several times I have tried to force myself. I sit down with the project on my usual spot. And I panic. I get nauseous, I can't breathe, my hands are shaking. I get physically ill. And it annoys me. I like thinking I'm rational. I'm logical. I'm an adult. I yearn for a finish. I want to wash and press them, I want to get them framed and show off to the world. But I am unable to.

Does anyone else get like this? Do you know why? Can I just not let go of my projects?

All the SALs in the world

I keep signing up for stitch-a-longs in the hope that one of them will bring back my stitching mojo, but no luck so far. I already told you about my Mirabilia group, the tulip sampler and the Ink Circles mandala series. This year I already signed up for a Halloween SAL by Alessandra Adelaide Needleworks, another round of Ink Circles mandalas, the Save The Stitches blackwork project, another blackwork design by Brodeuse Bressane, a band sampler and the Take A Stitch Tuesday challenge on the PinTangle blog. In the meantime I have Abi's Summer Tree SAL, three HAED charts, about six Mirabilias, three L&Ls, two Dimensions kits, two Lanartes, three DMC kits, a Thea kit and a bunch of leaflet/magazine WIPs going on. I must be nuts. I know I said I won't make a fuss as long as I'm enjoying it, but I no longer do! Now I feel crushed under the sheer number of projects and feel like I have not accomplished anything in ages. I have a minor finish but I can't find any joy in it with all the others looming above my head. I have to get organized and force myself to produce a couple of big finishes before this situation is doing my head in. No more new projects for me! Okay just one: the Mojo Sampler by Abi Gurden. Maybe its name will magick the joy of stitching back into my life.

Exhausted

Tamara is not well, as soon as she gets better, another infection pops its ugly head up. I'm worried for her health, not just because of the illnesses, but also the whopping amount of medicine she has been taking recently.
To top it off, my sleeping disorder is back, so I get hardly any rest. I am trying to use the unexpected extra time productively. I'm re-reading some of the classic books that were mandatory literature in school, but being too young, I failed to understand and thus appreciate them. I'm reading Madame Bovary and next on my list is Catch 22.
I have done some stitching too. I spent two weeks under the spell of Red. It was weird but fun. I couldn't even think of another project. I still keep it nearby, but now I'm working on a Lanarte kit I started about a year ago. Nowadays I'm too tired to enjoy stitching. I make myself do it because the alternative would be sitting numb in a corner, staring in the distance and drooling quietly.

Anger management

I have a new technique to fight depression. It's not entirely new, I just recently figured out how to use it every day to feel better.
It's anger. I have a lot of it.
I was always the quiet girl in the background, going out of my way to go out of other people's way to make sure they feel fine. And that made me feel fine. But it also meant that however angry I was at them or at any issues, I kept silent. I didn't even have to bite my tongue. Speaking up for myself or issues I have believed in was never an option. That didn't mean I was okay with that. It was simply my nature. I was ignored and often even abused because of that. I didn't mind. I just wanted to avoid conflict, at any cost. Even if it meant I was never ever getting what I wanted. It made me frustrated. It made my depression that much stronger. I would be bullied into working more for smaller wages. It made me the butt of jokes at parties. It made me stay away from people I loved so they could hang out with people less worthy but more aggressive at enforcing their will. It made me invisible.
Until over ten years ago.
I used to play a lot of role playing games. I didn't realize at the time, but it worked like drama therapy for me. In the beginning, like most newbie role players, I picked characters that were more like me. Timid, uncertain, always supporting the heroes. Then I got invited to a party I knew nothing about. I knew it was gonna be set in the World of Darkness universe. A game that says supernatural creatures exist, but they live in the shadows, so ordinary people never see behind the veil of disguise. Vampires, mages and shapeshifters work behind the scenes, control organizations, run operations, and so on.
I was in good company, I knew everyone at the table, I had my man on my side and my best friend doing the storytelling. I felt safe, so I thought I should not play safe. I chose a character sooo unlike me. I made her an outcast of society, a lone wolf, with criminal records and antisocial characteristics.
Everyone thought I made a mistake. That I could not play such an unpleasant, violent character. They kept saying that until I believed them.
And then we started playing. Imagine my surprise when she became a werewolf. Imagine my surprise when she berserked and started smashing stuff. Imagine my shock when I realized I'm actually enjoying this. Imagine the frustration when I realized that the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with hated it. It was not the obedient good little girl he took home to mommy. It was just a part of me, that was set free on our weekly gaming sessions, but it was enough for him to turn away from me. He found that part of me scary and repulsive. I found that part of me strong, independent, and giving less and less of a damn about what he or anyone else thinks.
That werewolf slowly crept out of the story and into my real life. I could not be happier to meet her. She was the part of me that would stand up and speak up for me. She was the one that could not be sat in the corner. I could only call on her when I got angry. So slowly, over the last ten years, I learned to make myself angry, and then channel that anger to work as a fuel for me to get things done. Luckily, we live in a less than perfect world. There are so many things to get angry about. Pollution, inequalities, abuse, violence, ignorance, you name it. I think about those things and my blood starts to boil. And then I just can't sit still.
It helps me even in the smallest things. I take my mind where it doesn't wanna go, enrage just to get out of the chair, and then do the dishes to take my mind off my anger. And it works, it really, really works. I do chores like I was always supposed to. Sure, the meds help as well, but I really think the main component in my recent recovery is anger. I make myself angry when I am afraid of things until the rage is stronger than the fear. I make myself angry when I'm sad until the rage supersedes the sadness. I make myself angry when I am in pain until the rage flushes out the pain.
I am getting really good at redirecting my anger at whatever I want. And right now I wanna get angry at depression. See which one is stronger.
Personally, I think depression has no chance.

Little ladies

My recent projects: the lovely pair of Lavender & Lace little girls, Emma and Isabella. I have started working on Emma's Garden ages ago, and I am still very nervous of touching it, as I dyed the fabric myself and I'm not a hundred percent sure I did a good job at it. Plus I am anxious in advance about the lace stitching at the bottom. Not like I can do anything about it, it's not like I even know what size 12 cotton looks like, so I cannot practice on a separate piece of fabric. Whatever, I will cross that stitch when I get there. ;-) Anyhow, I resumed working on it last week. It is done on 28 ct linen, 2 over 2. Isabella, however, is stitched on 32 ct marbled Zweigart linen, and she's done 1 over 2 to give her a more delicate look. I was a bit unsure about doing them in such different ways, but then I remembered that the designs are pretty different anyway. Isabella is a full body drawing while Emma is seen only from the waist up, so it's not like I could stitch them as a series like the Celtic ladies for example. I keep reminding myself that I should stop being such a perfectionist. I keep worrying what the end product will look like and beat myself up about every single x that doesn't look flawless. Fortunately I have learned to recognize when those moods are coming and I can remind myself to concentrate on the moment and just enjoy each coss as I stitch them. I will get there in the end.

Falling down

Holiday time is never easy. Never been, not even in childhood. Lots of arguments, tension, as much as I loved celebrating and gifts, I always wished I could avoid holidays. Now it seems harder than ever. Today I am a tear soaked mess. The flat is a mess. The tree is not there yet. The place where it's supposed to stand is cluttered with stuff. No gifts are wrapped. Some aren't even started, let alone finished. I've been crying all day, as quietly as I can so I won't alert my daughter, and I almost said "for no reason", but the truth is, there is always a reason. Feeling down, after all, is a valid reason. We live in conflict filled times. It's not like it is a challenge to find a reason to be depressed about, even for a healthy person. Imagine me, who constantly carries the seeds of sadness around in her mind. One bad look from a stranger, and it springs to bloom. Anyway, I am as far from festive as it gets. I find myself wishing I could go home, which is weird, because I AM at home. This place where I live, I have my issues with it, but it is the closest to home I have available. No where else in the world would I rather be right now. But it somehow doesn't feel like home. And the crap family movies vomited in my general direction by all television channels don't help either. It's hard enough to live in a broken family, always aware of the fact that I might be the one that broke it, but it was definitely me that pronounced it broke. I have the feeling this will be an awfully lonely christmas. Again. And I have zero choices about it. It's gonna have to go ahead in the usual fashion. I wish I could call off the whole thing, but I cannot. I just wanna spend a week without feeling miserable. No hopes there, but then again, no hopes anywhere else either.

A walk with angels

 Warning: non-stitching related but picture heavy post follows!

Kinda gone, kinda back

I know I disappeared from blogging, but I'm all right. I have done a lot of things in the meantime. I have been stitching too. No finishes, just progress on various projects, including the super secret surprise project. No progress photos now because I don't have the brains to browse on my hard drive.

Forcing my hand

I honestly have to force myself to do every little thing now. Including stitching. Or watching telly. Or start playing WoW. Or stop playing WoW. Or shower. Or eat. I am sunken into depression so deep, I'm sure it covers me completely. I hope I will get out of it, but right now I don't even know which way to go for a start.

Update

I have disappeared for some time again. My BWO membership stops me from apologizing. I can't say I was busy, I was "only" depressed. I spent my time mostly by leveling various Facebook creatures, whether they are slaying dragons, running restaurants or working on a virtual farm.
My soon-to-be-ex and I had another court appearance last week, now there's only one more before the divorce is final. I am still on a job hunt and the financial problems are not making it easier to fight my condition.
I tried to participate in the 100-stitch challenge one of my Yahoo mailing boards started, where everyone was supposed to do at least 100 stitches daily throughout May, and I did start off nicely, but eventually, as the courtroom date came closer, failed. I stopped stitching for two weeks completely. Instead, I rearranged my stitchy and scrapbooking stash around the flat so now I cannot find anything :P but at least it kept my mind away from the divorce and saved my from crying.

I also visited my daughter a lot more in May. She is the loveliest little lady ever. In this picture below she and I are in kindergarten just after she told me a Mother's Day poem. You see the little heart in my hand that she stitched for me for this special occasion, and yes, if you take a close look at my eyes, it is obvious I cried.

I found the mini kits I lost and mentioned in my previous post. They fell behind the table. Unfortunately I cannot scan them as my scanner/printer is acting silly ever since I last changed cartridges. I should re-install the software but I just can't be bothered. Plus, I have no idea where the CD is.

I was hoping that spring would help me fight depression, but the weather is mostly rubbish, thanks to which we had several floods in the country. And the threat is not gone yet, as we are expecting further weeks of rain.

To end the entry on a positive note, I wanna share a link I just came across. If you click HERE, you will be able to see 40 amazing houses that were inspired by various fairy tales. I would love to live in any of them. You can't really be depressed in a whimsical home like that, can you?

On the mend

Today I took a walk and suddenly felt drawn to the florist shop where I used to be a regular customer before my relationship drama.
I always had a green thumb and loved tending to plants, but my miniature garden of potted plants died a terrible death about a year and a half ago. I simply couldn't take care of them, didn't water them, could not even look at them. I was at a point in my life where I was not able to cope with the responsibility of having other living creatures depend on me, the knowledge that I have to look after the plants every day was no longer a joyful procedure but an unbearable burden. That was about the time I let my parents take over some other tasks, my mom did my laundry and cooked for me, and my daughter moved in with them, to my childhood home, 60 kilometers away from me. So I let my plants die and I died with them a little bit myself.
Funny, but I didn't even miss gardening. For 34 years I couldn't imagine living without live plants near me, but recently I didn't long for any, I talked my loved ones from buying me any. But today I felt like buying a pot or two, so I ended up moving in together with a sunkissed begonia and three minor green plants. It felt like the most natural thing ever, so I didn't even think about it until I brought them home, put them in the window and greeted them in their new home. Could it be that I'm getting back on my feet? My heart is healing?
I started wondering about what signs I should be looking for in my behaviour. I came up with a short list:

• Getting my creative mojo back. I used to draw, paint, cut and glue, bead and decorate every day. I even wrote poems and short stories. Now I "only" stitch but I don't think of it as the most creative of things I do, because most of it is following instructions.
• Hair care. I used to apply treatments and colour my hair on regular basis, nowadays I can hardly be interested in washing it. I used to wear a different hairstyle every day, braid it, curl it, iron it, and so on. I guess when I go back to looking after myself again (same for skin care except I never spent so much time on it, because my skin was always healthier than my hair), it will be a sign that I feel better about myself.
• Going to the movies. I love movies. Every genre. I could watch movies every day and still not get enough. Last year I made about four visits to the cinema. All year. And I can't even explain why, because I miss it.
• Doing chores. It shouldn't be a torture every day. It takes me hours to talk myself to do the most simple things. I feel weak and incapable of moving whenever I think of vacuuming or any other job at home. By the way, this is how I felt about watering plants before.
• Regular workout. I love it. I love doing it, no matter how much it hurts and how hard I sweat. I love the feeling of my muscles move and the knowledge of getting a little bit stronger every day. Back in the days when I visited the gym 2-3 times a week, I felt strong, healthy and attractive. If I had to skip a session, my whole body missed it and I couldn't wait to go again. I can't even remember the last time I was at a gym. Probably before my pregnancy.
• Laugh. I used to be a funny girl, cracking jokes and having a great time with friends. Now I can hardly smile and even my daughter has noticed.

That is how far I got today. I will keep you updated as usual.

The Thumper rule

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say nothing at all."

That is my number one reason for not blogging recently. Hardly anything worth reporting to my blogworld friends. Still depressed. Still divorcing. Still on a job hunt. Still kinda weak. Hardly stitching.

Okay, I did manage to do some stitching. Remember I promised myself to stitch the free kits of the Hungarian Keresztszemes Magazin every month? I skipped in December because that issue had some pink pig kits that I, no offense to the designer, found ugly and decided to not stitch. But it's not a very nice thing to say so I didn't say it at the time. I did stitch the viking-themed freebies of January and I am working on the hearts of February.

By the way, since we are talking about hearts in February, can I please have a request? Can you please NOT send me anything for Valentine's day this year? This request is not for any of the mailing lists, of course you are free to post anything for all the members, but no cards or personal messages to me, okay? It's not just about Hungary not having any traditions attached to this day. It's not even the fact that I would have my sixth anniversary on Valentine's if I would still have a marriage worth celebrating. It's more because a few days after that day my soon-to-be-ex and I will have to appear on court to officially state that we no longer wanna be married to each other. And quite frankly, that is enough of a stress and pain without having little pink hearts and lovey-dovey messages remind me of what I have lost.

What a strange year it has been

I started 2009 being sick as a dog and too weak to walk around the block. My daughter was already living with my parents for some months and I saw her on the weekends. My depression was in full force and I didn't talk to my husband at all, except when I asked if I could have my turn at the computer. I was awake all night, doing everything I could think of on the net, working on FaceBook collections, playing online games, reading all news sources and trolling gossip blogs, doing all kinds of things I didn't care about at all, but at least they kept me awake so I didn't have to go and share a bed with a man I no longer love. This habit made me even weaker and added a still present sleeping disorder to my list of problems.
Late in spring I finally managed to tear open all the wounds I've been licking and told my husband all the things that hurt me and made me want to divorce. It was very difficult for both of us, but also very necessary. Luckily, none of us wants to cause any harm to the other and we have no ill feelings towards each other, we just acknowledge that we're not as compatible as we have originally thought we would be. It did take some time of getting used to, we spent most of the summer trying to figure out what to do and how exactly should it be done. He started packing his things in the autumn and we filed for divorce.
Winter came and I felt completely numb, the weight of my decisions and their consequences nearly crushing me. Most of my days are spent without purpose or merit. The holidays were empty and weird. My daughter visited most of the relatives and enjoyed the festive season, but hasn't seen our Christmas tree yet. I spent New Year's Eve all alone, on World of Warcraft, doing random raids with strangers when the clock struck 12.

Apologies

I realize I have disappeared from the net completely. I'm terribly sorry if I made anyone feel like I let them down, it is the time of winter when the days are shortest and darkness falls at 5 p.m.. So for a sun worshiper like myself, who is mainly solar powered, it means I'm barely vegetating. My soon-to-be-ex husband has moved out and I spend many time arranging stuff around, trying to figure out what to keep on the newly emptied shelves.
When I'm not cleaning or packing, I'm job hunting or preparing for the holidays. Most of the gifts haven't been bought yet. Mainly because if I'm not in my hometown visiting my adorable daughter, I'm lying sick. Do you wanna know the extra funny stuff? It seems I have developed an allergy to penicillin. Yes, the medicine I've been taking for the past 30 years now causes fingerprint sized, itching red patches all over my skin.
So when I have a little time and energy to sit in front of the computer, I can barely catch up with the hundreds of e-mails and blog updates. I wish I could answer those mails, and comment on all your wonderful blog entries full of the amazing projects you make, and write my own blog, but that is impossible. I recently keep a notebook by my bed and I'm scribbling whatever thoughts occur to me. This blog entry and the previous one were born out of those notes. Otherwise I couldn't stay focused long enough to type this.
It's not the only thing I'm behind with. It took me forever to buy, write and mail the Christmas cards for the exchanges I'm in. Which is embarrassing, but not as difficult to fix as my overdue paying of all bills. Now I'm trying to avoid having my electricity and heating shut down for the holidays. My bank account is two months worth of bills away from empty and I still cannot find even a part time job.
Still, that is no excuse to disappear just like that, but I hope you will understand if occasionally I retract to my shell. Because needless to say, depression is now a permanent flatmate, and I'm fighting my private war every day just to get out of bed and have some food. And most battles are lost, but the war isn't over yet. It will be one really long fight, but I'll be damned if I ever surrender.
At least I've done some stitching while in bed (see previous post) and watched lots of TV. My new favourite show is Flash Forward. It's brilliant.

Happy Halloween!

I wanna wish all my friends happy Halloween and/or Samhain!

This is what my Christmas sampler by Carole looks like right now. I just printed part 7 and hope to stitch it tomorrow.

I worked on the Permin butterfly kit too. As you can see, I will soon finish the central section and will start to literally stitch outside the box. :)

I have made such a great progress I keep surprising myself! But finally I can dream of buying new stash without feeling guilty about my ever growing WIP lineup. I already know that I will buy me a new kit by Permin of Copenhagen. This above picture is nice but not really my cup of tea. My husband chose it, that's why he's the one who will be getting it. Me, I would like to have one of these on my wall:

 What do you think? Are they lovely or what?

I will go and set up another wish list on my web album now. That's what I always do in times of turmoil. Today I helped my husband pack his things, he is leaving. We are about to write the official letter that we must hand in to the court... that is, we file for divorce. I feel rather strange now. Half of me is scared of what is going to happen, and the other half cannot actually believe that it is really happening. I'm 35 and I am about to divorce for the second time. It's hard to not say "life sucks", even if I know that it really doesn't. My parents help me despite all our arguments, I have a most amazing child, I'm more or less healthy and still young. I have a roof above my head and food in my fridge, I have 24 hr online connection to the world, HBO digital, a multi-functional scanner/printer/fax machine and enough stash for the next decade. I have friends in all continents. I speak two languages and can kinda read two more, and my IQ is so high Mensa needs extra tests to specify it. I'm tall and thin and have excellent skin. And yet... life kinda sucks right now.

Starting anew

I disappeared for a long time. I even stopped stitching for months. It wasn't exactly my choice. All the bad things happening last year have pushed me into the pits of depression once more.

I also had some other health problems. I'm not sure what it was, or should I say is, because I am still not 100% well. Anyway, I had months of extreme weakness where I couldn't even get out of the bed for days and didn't leave the flat for weeks. Sometimes I tried to walk around the block but staggered back from the gate because my knees were shaky and I felt like I am not strong enough to make it to the street corner either. Yes, I know. Pretty bad.

For some time I didn't wanna se a doctor but when I finally did, she sent me to get a really huge number of tests done. That was this spring. I still have some tests scheduled. All results so far are negative. Nothing. No idea. The doctors simply don't know what is wrong with me. Some say the problem is in my mind and not my body. Could be true for all I know. But I am not ready to see another psychologist just yet. I've had enough of people messing around with my psyche.





In the meantime I stopped stitching too. Not because I chose to but because of my weakness. My hands were shaking so badly I could hardly hold the needle, let alone thrust it into the right hole on the fabric. I must say it was terrible. Like a missing limb. I had to make do with going through the pages of my cross stitch mag collection over and over again, dreaming of what I was gonna stitch as soon as I get better.

How I took care of my baby girl during this period? I didn't. She has been staying at my parens's house since last summer. Mom takes her to kindergarden every day and my dad plays with her whenever he can. They are very thankful for this opportunity to spend so much time with their adorable granddaughter, but at the same time terribly worried for me. I can understand that, but I am feeling much better now and feel stronger every day.

My girl still lives with them and I miss her every minute she's gone. I see her on weekends and now that I am doing better, sometimes visit her on weekdays too. We also talk on the phone every day. She is now big and smart enough to call me on her own if she wants to.

About our marriage, well, it is pretty much over. We tried to save it but nothing works. Hubby agreed to move out as soon as he finds a place to stay. We'll file for divorce right after that. It's not that easy as the economical crisis hit us hard. He lost his job in November and didn't find a new one since. He's been working temp jobs but that is hardly enough to pay our bills and I cannot work until I am strong enough. At the present I could only handle part time jobs that do not require much physical effort, but there are so many unemployed that are a lot more fit than I and so few job openings that I don't have a lot of chance for that.

Whatever stitching I have done, I've done it these past months when I was well enough to hold the needle again. Here are some pictures of my recent finishes. If I remember to take photos of them framed, I will post those too.

I cannot promise updating the blog regularly, but I will definitely try. I missed the stitching communities and all the lovely friends I have made on the message boards.