Holiday time is never easy. Never been, not even in childhood. Lots of arguments, tension, as much as I loved celebrating and gifts, I always wished I could avoid holidays. Now it seems harder than ever. Today I am a tear soaked mess. The flat is a mess. The tree is not there yet. The place where it's supposed to stand is cluttered with stuff. No gifts are wrapped. Some aren't even started, let alone finished. I've been crying all day, as quietly as I can so I won't alert my daughter, and I almost said "for no reason", but the truth is, there is always a reason. Feeling down, after all, is a valid reason. We live in conflict filled times. It's not like it is a challenge to find a reason to be depressed about, even for a healthy person. Imagine me, who constantly carries the seeds of sadness around in her mind. One bad look from a stranger, and it springs to bloom. Anyway, I am as far from festive as it gets. I find myself wishing I could go home, which is weird, because I AM at home. This place where I live, I have my issues with it, but it is the closest to home I have available. No where else in the world would I rather be right now. But it somehow doesn't feel like home. And the crap family movies vomited in my general direction by all television channels don't help either. It's hard enough to live in a broken family, always aware of the fact that I might be the one that broke it, but it was definitely me that pronounced it broke. I have the feeling this will be an awfully lonely christmas. Again. And I have zero choices about it. It's gonna have to go ahead in the usual fashion. I wish I could call off the whole thing, but I cannot. I just wanna spend a week without feeling miserable. No hopes there, but then again, no hopes anywhere else either.
