Giveaway time

Hey everyone,
Nancy at the Victorian Motto Sampler Shoppe blog is hosting yet another wonderful giveaway! Aren't we all lucky? All you have to do is follow her blog and leave a comment at her page. I linked it in the first sentence for you. If you share the good news, like I just did, you get an extra entry in the draw! Yay!
Have fun and good luck!

Knitted cowl

This cowl made of a super chunky yarn was knitted some time early this year, I just forgot to post photos. The fact that you can see my Christmas tree in the background tells you how far behind I am with posting. :)

Reminder

I still have these magnificent beauties in my WIP and Hope To Do Soon lists.

Short public announcement

I'm okay. I'm alive. I work 11 hour shifts three days a week. When I don't work, I obsess over crochet or tv shows. I found an extension for Chrome called Hola Better Internet, which makes it possible to watch Hulu or Netflix, which is blocked here in Hungary. Thanks to Hola, I can set my computer like I'm browsing from the U.S.A. and watch a ton of quality footage that was not available for me for what seems like ages.

Bottomline is this: I know I disappeared, I know some of you are worried for me. You can calm down now, I am okay. I very much appreciate your concern. I am still low on energy and self-esteem, even lower on money and time, but I am still on the path of self discovery and heading in the right direction. The goal may be far away, but every step taken makes me feel better.

I have a dozen drafts on this blog, waiting to be finished. I have so much to say. It's just not high enough in my list of priorities just yet. As soon as I get there, you will hear from me again.

Crochet on!

This, my friends, I am happy to say, is my first garment made with my own crochet hooks. After all these tiny ornaments, doilies and such, I finally took a deep breath and made myself a short sleeved pullover. I love it very much, although I wish it was somewhat longer. I used a different yarn than recommended, it is a wool from Drops Design, so the measurements are not what I expected, but I am still happy with the outcome. I chose this yarn because I fell in love with the colour, and it matches my hair dye, which is a nice touch. I even bought a lipstick in this shade, because girls just wanna have colour coordinated fun. And now on to the next project.

O Tannenbaum

I just remembered! I have shown you the wonderful crochet snowflakes I made last year for my holiday decorations, but I was too busy to share photos of my Christmas tree. So better late than never, here are some photos of my usual (plastic) tree with the new ornaments. 

Lights off - sets the mood

Lights on - behold my magnificent crafting skills!

Villa Mirabilia progress

One by one

I'm still trying to pick up the pieces of my life. 2014 had been a very strange year, both taxing and rewarding. It required a lot of compromises, took all the energy I had, but it made me grow in unprecedented measures and in unexpected directions.
I learned about myself that

• yes, I want to do some form of crafting every day
• I want that to be my job. It's my true calling
• I'm not like everyone else around me and that is okay
• I still suck at saying no
• my aversion to conflict is at a very unhealthy level
• I have great girl friends, and I even made a few new ones
• television is still better than movies
• I need working out more than I previously thought
• I came across the definition of demigirl and realized I might be one
• I came across the definition of demisexual and realized I am one
• I feel less of a freak now that I know the thing I am has a name and is not a deviation but a variant
• I need to improve my skills
• I am still the opposite of confident but I am getting better at pretending 
• I really hate fruit. Every fruit
• it is theoretically possible to have a merry christmas
• I am ISTP
• I still suck at self motivating
• I really love my customers at the needlework shop. All of them.
• I need to use more tools the internet provides me. I got into Tumblr and Instagram and Craftsy, just learning the tricks of Ravelry right now

So here's hoping that 2015 will be less of a bumpy ride and will let me lie back for a minute every now and then!

Do or do not

Sorry for the strong language in advance, but can I just quickly call BS on Master Yoda and that famous saying of his?

Further conflicts

I want to look pretty but I don't want anyone to notice.

I want to be attractive but not attract people.

I want to listen to people but I don't want to talk to them.

I want to start new project but I don't want any new WIPs.

I want to know everything that happened to me but I don't want to remember.

I want to know how the story ends but I want no spoilers.

I want to travel but I don't want to leave the comfort of my home.

I'm hungry but I don't wanna have to eat.

I want to be more womanly but I prefer being seen as a person.

I want to discuss ideas but I don't want to argue.

I want to learn new things but I want to practice the old things.

I want to buy stash but hate spending money on stash.

I want opinions but I don't want criticism.

I want to hide but I want to shout.

I love my job but I hate to go to work.

I hate smoking but I love cigarettes.

I hate being depressed but I no longer know who I am without it.

Snowflakes

This is what the first batch of my crochet blizzard looks like after getting soaked in fabric stiffener (if that's what it's called), pinned and dried.

Big project

Hey, I started something big and I am a bit stuck. I am working on a crochet blanket made of snowflake granny squares. I can't make my mind up about assembly though. I need input! Leave a comment about which pattern you suggest: diagonal, paralell or random?

Conflicts

I want to blog but I don't want to spend so much time typing.

I want to stitch but I don't want to finish projects.

I want to spend less time on social media but I want to know everything that happens.

I want to watch less TV but I want to know what happens with my favourite characters.

I love the way long hair looks but I prefer the way short hair feels.

I love how I look with make up but I hate how my skin can't breathe.

I love wearing short skirts but I hate the reactions it provokes from strangers.

I love listening to the same song again and again but I miss hearing new ones.

I want to be in a relationship but I can't stand the idea of being with a man.

I love long nails but they get in the way.

I love comfy, baggy clothes but I hate how they make me look like a bum.

I love being a woman but I hate not having the same options as a man.

I love cats but I hate cat hair.

I love dogs but I hate their needy tail wagging.

I love being single but I hate being alone.

Cannot... finish... projects!

"Seriously, what is wrong with me? I was just revising my WIPocalypse projects and realised that I have three I could finish in mere days. Feasting Frenzy and the Permin butterfly kit are just a few backstitches away from being done, while Lady of the Thread needs only a few missing crosses. I thought with all these other projects and SALs going on it would be easier to let go of my finished pieces, but no! Honestly, I have no idea why I'm doing this."

I wrote the lines above...two and a half years ago. It seems like ages ago. I have finished all those projects but the issue still remains. Little Wings and Isabella's Garden are but a few hours away from being completed and I cannot seem to be able to bring myself to finish them. Why?

It's not like I would run out of things to stitch. I have over 30 projects in my WIP pile. Might be 40 or 50, I no longer keep count.

What is wrong with me? I have this unfightable urge to create, I love seeing the project go, when I am a week or two to go, all I ever think about, all I wanna do, is stitch. And then I reach a point where only the last touches need to be applied, and that is the point where I freeze. I can not touch it. I can't even bear looking at it. But why?

Several times I have tried to force myself. I sit down with the project on my usual spot. And I panic. I get nauseous, I can't breathe, my hands are shaking. I get physically ill. And it annoys me. I like thinking I'm rational. I'm logical. I'm an adult. I yearn for a finish. I want to wash and press them, I want to get them framed and show off to the world. But I am unable to.

Does anyone else get like this? Do you know why? Can I just not let go of my projects?

Hats off my hook

I thought that now I practised crochet long enough to go and make something useful. Not just one doily after another, but articles of clothing. I started small with accessories. These are the hats I made in the past weeks. From the bottom: the crocodile stitch hooded cowl is a pattern I bought from Bonita Patterns through Craftsy. The purple-green psychedelic hat is a free chart I found online. Probably on Ravelry, I am not sure. The blue slouchy hat was in a magazine I bought last year. That one is my favourite, I will make a matching scarf later this week.

Throw Back Thursday

Did I ever tell you about my incredibly brief venture into modelling?

I was nineteen and obsessed with teen fashion magazines. Several times I read in interviews with famous singers and actresses that they started out as models because they were shy and thought modelling would help that. I was very shy, so I thought I'd give it a go. I did, and I never regretted it. I found an agency that would teach girls the essentials, then organized contests and hand pick the ones that would get a contract. They offered several training packages, and, incidentally, the ones who would pick the most expensive package would be the ones that got through to the next round. Fascinating coincidence, isn't it?

Rarity hat

One of the first patterns I bought on Craftsy and the very first I finished is this unicorn hat by BriAbby Designs. I have changed the colours because my daughter wanted it to look like her favourite (at the time) pony from the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic cartoons, and that's Rarity. I have searched high and low for the right yarn and I found this beautiful and soft yarn called Relax at the Barkafonal shop. 

I used one skein of the white and the light purple but I had to buy a second of the dark purple yarn because the mane needs way more than it looks. The horn, the eyes and the pink in the ears were made with leftovers. I stuffed the horn and the ears too. Here is my girl wearing the finished product happily and some progress pictures.

Getting Craftsy

Earlier this year I have signed up for a Craftsy account. Originally I just wanted to browse a bit. When you're as broke as I am, and I have been really broke for most of my life, so being frugal is second nature, you learn to pick up things whichever way you can. 

For example, if you can't afford buying elaborate crochet patterns, you download freebies, practise them and then look at advanced crochet on Pinterest e.g., and try to figure out how to use the little knowledge you have to make something amazing. It is hard and time consuming, but it is also a creative process I usually enjoy. And that is how I taught myself English, with a pocket dictionary and a huge dose of intuition. "Forgot, that sounds a lot like forget, could it be past tense? Yeah, definitely past tense."

This spring I got sort of fed up with always learning the hard way and I signed up for a few online courses on Craftsy. I was very sceptical, but I hit a block on the road of self improvement, and I rebelled. I wasn't gonna spend hours of digging on the net or asking for favours from people I don't particularly like. My first class was about joining crochet motifs and make a granny square blanket in the progress. I enjoyed it tremendously and learned way more than I thought I would. I honestly recommend it to anyone! 

As much as I love working on these panels, I have not finished the project. Not because of lack of enthusiasm, quite to the contrary. I got so involved with Craftsy and crochet that a number of other projects have hijacked my attention. I will elaborate on those during my verbose November. Hopefully.

Summer doily

During the summer I spent a lot of time practising crochet. It was a nice change. I have reached a point where cross stitching seemed tedious, and that is never a good sign. Crochet was new enough to intrigue me but familiar enough to seem easy and relaxing. Here are a few minor projects I managed to finish. I still have a bigger one in progress and a large white piece I gave my mum before snapping a picture.

Black Widow Offensive

So, did I mention before what a nerd I am? No? But I did mention gaming, going online for World of Warcraft and even playing good old-fashioned RPGs like Dungeons & Dragons. And being a brony. Well, pegasister, technically. And loving cosplay and fantasy and dragons and werewolves. So yeah, I'm a nerd.

I love science fiction. I was a little girl when my sister took me to see Star Wars for the first time. I got hooked immediately. I read all the books that were available. Keep in mind, at the time we still lived behind the Iron Curtain. I got my hands on anything I could.

I fell in love with comics. Spiderman first, then I got familiar with the rest. My favourite series was X-Men. As the shy girl, the one with the weird thoughts and never ending sea of questions, I was always an outsider.

For the first time, I could empathise with fictional characters. As a child, fairy tales were not for me. They were nice stories, but I could not identify with the girls in those stories. They seemed dumb, illogical and helpless. And too pretty. The hero would fall in love with them at first sight and go on quests for them. I hated that. I knew I would never have that because I felt ugly. And I wanted to go on quests myself.

I have learned that representation matters. And now that I have a little girl, it is very important to me that she has access to stories that represent her. That is why I love cartoons and movies that have a girl protagonist, like Kim Possible or Merida from Brave. And she started reading kiddie comics.

I want her to have access to stories about women who are not waiting for a hero but become one. Wonder Woman, Wasp, Captain Marvel, Black Widow, Storm, Batwoman, Lady Thor, She Hulk, Rogue, I want her to know them all. And because I am a feminist, I want equal chances and equal representation for all genders. So when Marvel announced their movie plans earlier this week, I was pissed off. Sure, Carol Danvers (Captain Marvel) gets a movie, but that is it? There are 21 movies in 10 years (2008-2018) planned and only one has a female protagonist. What seems to be sure is that 12 of those are headlined by white men, 7 have an ensemble cast (mostly of white men), one has a female lead and one is a person of colour. That does not seem right.

 Not much we can do about it. None of us are in a decision making position at Marvel Studios. All we can do is wish and make our voices heard. So today, on November 2nd, I will join the Black Widow Offensive on Twitter. We will keep messaging those who call the shots with the hashtag #BlackWidowMovie to let them know there is a demand for strong, complex, well written women on the silver screen. Feel free to join me if you agree.