One by one

I'm still trying to pick up the pieces of my life. 2014 had been a very strange year, both taxing and rewarding. It required a lot of compromises, took all the energy I had, but it made me grow in unprecedented measures and in unexpected directions.
I learned about myself that

• yes, I want to do some form of crafting every day
• I want that to be my job. It's my true calling
• I'm not like everyone else around me and that is okay
• I still suck at saying no
• my aversion to conflict is at a very unhealthy level
• I have great girl friends, and I even made a few new ones
• television is still better than movies
• I need working out more than I previously thought
• I came across the definition of demigirl and realized I might be one
• I came across the definition of demisexual and realized I am one
• I feel less of a freak now that I know the thing I am has a name and is not a deviation but a variant
• I need to improve my skills
• I am still the opposite of confident but I am getting better at pretending 
• I really hate fruit. Every fruit
• it is theoretically possible to have a merry christmas
• I am ISTP
• I still suck at self motivating
• I really love my customers at the needlework shop. All of them.
• I need to use more tools the internet provides me. I got into Tumblr and Instagram and Craftsy, just learning the tricks of Ravelry right now

So here's hoping that 2015 will be less of a bumpy ride and will let me lie back for a minute every now and then!

Do or do not

Sorry for the strong language in advance, but can I just quickly call BS on Master Yoda and that famous saying of his?

Further conflicts

I want to look pretty but I don't want anyone to notice.

I want to be attractive but not attract people.

I want to listen to people but I don't want to talk to them.

I want to start new project but I don't want any new WIPs.

I want to know everything that happened to me but I don't want to remember.

I want to know how the story ends but I want no spoilers.

I want to travel but I don't want to leave the comfort of my home.

I'm hungry but I don't wanna have to eat.

I want to be more womanly but I prefer being seen as a person.

I want to discuss ideas but I don't want to argue.

I want to learn new things but I want to practice the old things.

I want to buy stash but hate spending money on stash.

I want opinions but I don't want criticism.

I want to hide but I want to shout.

I love my job but I hate to go to work.

I hate smoking but I love cigarettes.

I hate being depressed but I no longer know who I am without it.

Snowflakes

This is what the first batch of my crochet blizzard looks like after getting soaked in fabric stiffener (if that's what it's called), pinned and dried.

Big project

Hey, I started something big and I am a bit stuck. I am working on a crochet blanket made of snowflake granny squares. I can't make my mind up about assembly though. I need input! Leave a comment about which pattern you suggest: diagonal, paralell or random?

Conflicts

I want to blog but I don't want to spend so much time typing.

I want to stitch but I don't want to finish projects.

I want to spend less time on social media but I want to know everything that happens.

I want to watch less TV but I want to know what happens with my favourite characters.

I love the way long hair looks but I prefer the way short hair feels.

I love how I look with make up but I hate how my skin can't breathe.

I love wearing short skirts but I hate the reactions it provokes from strangers.

I love listening to the same song again and again but I miss hearing new ones.

I want to be in a relationship but I can't stand the idea of being with a man.

I love long nails but they get in the way.

I love comfy, baggy clothes but I hate how they make me look like a bum.

I love being a woman but I hate not having the same options as a man.

I love cats but I hate cat hair.

I love dogs but I hate their needy tail wagging.

I love being single but I hate being alone.

Cannot... finish... projects!

"Seriously, what is wrong with me? I was just revising my WIPocalypse projects and realised that I have three I could finish in mere days. Feasting Frenzy and the Permin butterfly kit are just a few backstitches away from being done, while Lady of the Thread needs only a few missing crosses. I thought with all these other projects and SALs going on it would be easier to let go of my finished pieces, but no! Honestly, I have no idea why I'm doing this."

I wrote the lines above...two and a half years ago. It seems like ages ago. I have finished all those projects but the issue still remains. Little Wings and Isabella's Garden are but a few hours away from being completed and I cannot seem to be able to bring myself to finish them. Why?

It's not like I would run out of things to stitch. I have over 30 projects in my WIP pile. Might be 40 or 50, I no longer keep count.

What is wrong with me? I have this unfightable urge to create, I love seeing the project go, when I am a week or two to go, all I ever think about, all I wanna do, is stitch. And then I reach a point where only the last touches need to be applied, and that is the point where I freeze. I can not touch it. I can't even bear looking at it. But why?

Several times I have tried to force myself. I sit down with the project on my usual spot. And I panic. I get nauseous, I can't breathe, my hands are shaking. I get physically ill. And it annoys me. I like thinking I'm rational. I'm logical. I'm an adult. I yearn for a finish. I want to wash and press them, I want to get them framed and show off to the world. But I am unable to.

Does anyone else get like this? Do you know why? Can I just not let go of my projects?