Monday, December 8, 2014

Do or do not

Sorry for the strong language in advance, but can I just quickly call BS on Master Yoda and that famous saying of his?

That is one of the worst things you can say to someone with depression. Low self esteem is one of are most typical and significant symptoms. The most we can ever do is try. I'll go one further: the most anyone ever can do is try.

It gets even worse if you are a perfectionist like me. I have a gazillion ideas in my head and whatever I make will have to look like that mental image or I'll think it rubbish. I have a hard time starting projects, even harder time finishing them. If I didn't even try, I would literally never do anything. I'd just lie down and wait for death.

I cannot just "do" things. I can't just do the laundry or the dishes. It takes copious amounts of energy to just get up from my seat and go to the kitchen. Even when I'm literally starving. No, that is not a misuse of literally, I have been known to go without food for 2-5 days at a time during a depressive episode. Because opening a fridge door and warming ready made food already there is too much effort. I had stomach issues from eating semi-frozen food straight from the fridge for that reason. I knew in advance I would be sick. I also knew I am unable to muster the energy needed to put the food in the microwave and set the timer and wait 2 minutes. So I chose being sick over collapsing from malnourishment. I tried. And I live.

People that were never depressed probably don't even believe me. They have a hard time imagining the feeling, the actions, the numbness. I don't blame them. I know exactly how ridiculous it sounds. I can hardly believe how useless I am WHILE I'm being useless. I stand at the kitchen counter, staring at the food, the microwave in front of me. My eyes measure the estimated distance my hands should travel. My brain calculates the effort necessary. And I still can't make it. Not every time. But I try.

Don't believe stupid shit. Doesn't matter how many people believe it. Doesn't matter how many t-shirts it is printed on. Doesn't matter how a master, a guru, a leader, a teacher or a president is saying it. Doesn't matter how true it is for others. Doesn't matter how often they quote it at you (probably without ever thinking about its meaning first). If it is not true for you, ignore it. You can try. All you can do is try. All anyone ever can do is try. All anyone can ever expect of anyone is to try. All anyone ever can promise to anyone is to try.

Try.

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