Tuesday, April 6, 2010

On the mend

Today I took a walk and suddenly felt drawn to the florist shop where I used to be a regular customer before my relationship drama.
I always had a green thumb and loved tending to plants, but my miniature garden of potted plants died a terrible death about a year and a half ago. I simply couldn't take care of them, didn't water them, could not even look at them. I was at a point in my life where I was not able to cope with the responsibility of having other living creatures depend on me, the knowledge that I have to look after the plants every day was no longer a joyful procedure but an unbearable burden. That was about the time I let my parents take over some other tasks, my mom did my laundry and cooked for me, and my daughter moved in with them, to my childhood home, 60 kilometers away from me. So I let my plants die and I died with them a little bit myself.
Funny, but I didn't even miss gardening. For 34 years I couldn't imagine living without live plants near me, but recently I didn't long for any, I talked my loved ones from buying me any. But today I felt like buying a pot or two, so I ended up moving in together with a sunkissed begonia and three minor green plants. It felt like the most natural thing ever, so I didn't even think about it until I brought them home, put them in the window and greeted them in their new home. Could it be that I'm getting back on my feet? My heart is healing?
I started wondering about what signs I should be looking for in my behaviour. I came up with a short list:

  • Getting my creative mojo back. I used to draw, paint, cut and glue, bead and decorate every day. I even wrote poems and short stories. Now I "only" stitch but I don't think of it as the most creative of things I do, because most of it is following instructions.
  • Hair care. I used to apply treatments and colour my hair on regular basis, nowadays I can hardly be interested in washing it. I used to wear a different hairstyle every day, braid it, curl it, iron it, and so on. I guess when I go back to looking after myself again (same for skin care except I never spent so much time on it, because my skin was always healthier than my hair), it will be a sign that I feel better about myself.
  • Going to the movies. I love movies. Every genre. I could watch movies every day and still not get enough. Last year I made about four visits to the cinema. All year. And I can't even explain why, because I miss it.
  • Doing chores. It shouldn't be a torture every day. It takes me hours to talk myself to do the most simple things. I feel weak and incapable of moving whenever I think of vacuuming or any other job at home. By the way, this is how I felt about watering plants before.
  • Regular workout. I love it. I love doing it, no matter how much it hurts and how hard I sweat. I love the feeling of my muscles move and the knowledge of getting a little bit stronger every day. Back in the days when I visited the gym 2-3 times a week, I felt strong, healthy and attractive. If I had to skip a session, my whole body missed it and I couldn't wait to go again. I can't even remember the last time I was at a gym. Probably before my pregnancy.
  • Laugh. I used to be a funny girl, cracking jokes and having a great time with friends. Now I can hardly smile and even my daughter has noticed.
That is how far I got today. I will keep you updated as usual.


Carolyn NC said...

Some things just take time - sounds like you're heading in the right direction. Just baby steps and they turn into strides. Hang in there. ((hugs))

Karan said...

Sounds like a very positive breakthrough. May it be the first of many for you. :0)

Meari said...

Baby steps. I think it's a really positive sign that you're wanting to do gardening again. :)