Saturday, November 1, 2014

Gone girl

I have disappeared again. I have no explanation. I don't mean I wouldn't share here, I mean I have no idea what happened. I have an unfinished draft on my dash called "April WIPocalypse in May", so I was already behind on blogging. I have so much to say, even more to share. And yet, I don't seem to be able to do so, and I've yet to discover the reason.

I have changed so much. I've lost my way and to my surprise, I have found courage and comfort in it. I turned 40. I no longer know who I am, what I want and which way to go. And like Alice in Wonderland, I found freedom in not knowing where I am. Whichever way I choose to go, I can't get lost. You're only lost if you want to be some place you're not and you want to get there. I don't know where I want to be. I know what I want to be. And because I'm not going anywhere, I can actually sit down, take some time and not feel under pressure. It's liberating. It's not easy. It's not comfortable. But it feels right.

I tried myself at several temp jobs. I was terrified to show up on my first days, not knowing what to do, how to do it, who my co-workers and bosses will be. I prevailed. I realized I cannot conquer fear, but I don't have to be paralysed by it. I made new friends. I picked up new skills. I had fun, and conflict, and injury, and adventures. I learned to laugh with a roaring sound and the tears of laughter run down my face, not giving a damn if anyone thinks I'm too loud. I practised saying goodbye and moving on.

I delved deeper into myself. I found a personality type I identify as. I always thought of myself as a feminist and recently I educated myself about what that means and how I can become better at it. I started facing my demons, one by one. I'm building my merits and flaws into a construct I can live in and feel at home. I stopped going to the gym, even though my body pleads for exercise every day. But now I have some soul searching to do and I cannot do both. I will hit the stationary bike again as soon as I cleaned up the mess inside me.

I recognised I need to be more assertive. I have to learn to say a number of things. First and foremost, "no". Second, "I don't care". I have felt like "I don't care" for ages, but never said it for fear of hurting others' feelings. I spent 40 years putting the feelings of others first, even if they were strangers. Their feelings were more important than my feelings, my thoughts, my needs, my rights... more important than me. No more. I made resolutions to do this before, and hated myself when I failed. No promises this time, just the effort. I will try and keep trying.

I found comfort in crafting. I unabashedly spend whatever time I can spare on planning, making, modifying my projects. No more to do lists. No more deadlines. No more pressure. I'm enjoying every second. My main goal is to learn and become even better at needlework.

I wonder if I can return to blogging. I can feel I need to have my voice heard. I will try to post something every day for November. Again, no resolutions, no deadlines, no rules. Just a promise to try and see how it works. I don't want this blog to be about cross stitching only. I want to speak my mind on whatever comes to it. Even controversial stuff. If you don't like it, feel free to unfollow my blog. The net is vast and infinite. Find someone else, someone you can agree with. If you want to pick a fight, you are not welcome here. I don't need your click. I don't need your advice. I don't need your criticism. I need support. It might not be fair, nor balanced. I don't care. It's my blog, my rules.

Here it goes.

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