Sunday, December 22, 2013

Falling down

Holiday time is never easy. Never been, not even in childhood. Lots of arguments, tension, as much as I loved celebrating and gifts, I always wished I could avoid holidays. Now it seems harder than ever. Today I am a tear soaked mess. The flat is a mess. The tree is not there yet. The place where it's supposed to stand is cluttered with stuff. No gifts are wrapped. Some aren't even started, let alone finished. I've been crying all day, as quietly as I can so I won't alert my daughter, and I almost said "for no reason", but the truth is, there is always a reason. Feeling down, after all, is a valid reason. We live in conflict filled times. It's not like it is a challenge to find a reason to be depressed about, even for a healthy person. Imagine me, who constantly carries the seeds of sadness around in her mind. One bad look from a stranger, and it springs to bloom. Anyway, I am as far from festive as it gets. I find myself wishing I could go home, which is weird, because I AM at home. This place where I live, I have my issues with it, but it is the closest to home I have available. No where else in the world would I rather be right now. But it somehow doesn't feel like home. And the crap family movies vomited in my general direction by all television channels don't help either. It's hard enough to live in a broken family, always aware of the fact that I might be the one that broke it, but it was definitely me that pronounced it broke. I have the feeling this will be an awfully lonely christmas. Again. And I have zero choices about it. It's gonna have to go ahead in the usual fashion. I wish I could call off the whole thing, but I cannot. I just wanna spend a week without feeling miserable. No hopes there, but then again, no hopes anywhere else either.


Justine said...

I am a new follower and only just realised that you are ill. Please don't put yourself under pressure to have a "perfect" Christmas. Just do what you can manage and what will help you to get through. You don't say if you are receiving any medical help but if not maybe that's something you would consider? I don't really know what to say but didn't just want to read and run. I will remember you in my prayers xx

Csák Györgyi Krisztina said...

Hi Justine, indeed I am under treatment for major depression and I take pills for it. Some days it just doesn't seem to do any good. Thanks a lot for taking the time to say a few kind words to a stranger. Don't worry, I will probably get better in a few days, it just gets real hard sometimes to hold on till that happens.

Tammy said...

I'm so sorry. The "holidays" do carry a burden of perfection and family. I myself have become separated from a huge part of my family and we've not spoken for years. One of them is a parent. :( I'm sorry you are suffering, but know that I'm thinking of you and I hope you feel better very very soon.