Thursday, August 27, 2009

Starting anew

I disappeared for a long time. I even stopped stitching for months. It wasn't exactly my choice. All the bad things happening last year have pushed me into the pits of depression once more.

I also had some other health problems. I'm not sure what it was, or should I say is, because I am still not 100% well. Anyway, I had months of extreme weakness where I couldn't even get out of the bed for days and didn't leave the flat for weeks. Sometimes I tried to walk around the block but staggered back from the gate because my knees were shaky and I felt like I am not strong enough to make it to the street corner either. Yes, I know. Pretty bad.

For some time I didn't wanna se a doctor but when I finally did, she sent me to get a really huge number of tests done. That was this spring. I still have some tests scheduled. All results so far are negative. Nothing. No idea. The doctors simply don't know what is wrong with me. Some say the problem is in my mind and not my body. Could be true for all I know. But I am not ready to see another psychologist just yet. I've had enough of people messing around with my psyche.

In the meantime I stopped stitching too. Not because I chose to but because of my weakness. My hands were shaking so badly I could hardly hold the needle, let alone thrust it into the right hole on the fabric. I must say it was terrible. Like a missing limb. I had to make do with going through the pages of my cross stitch mag collection over and over again, dreaming of what I was gonna stitch as soon as I get better.

How I took care of my baby girl during this period? I didn't. She has been staying at my parens's house since last summer. Mom takes her to kindergarden every day and my dad plays with her whenever he can. They are very thankful for this opportunity to spend so much time with their adorable granddaughter, but at the same time terribly worried for me. I can understand that, but I am feeling much better now and feel stronger every day.

My girl still lives with them and I miss her every minute she's gone. I see her on weekends and now that I am doing better, sometimes visit her on weekdays too. We also talk on the phone every day. She is now big and smart enough to call me on her own if she wants to.

About our marriage, well, it is pretty much over. We tried to save it but nothing works. Hubby agreed to move out as soon as he finds a place to stay. We'll file for divorce right after that. It's not that easy as the economical crisis hit us hard. He lost his job in November and didn't find a new one since. He's been working temp jobs but that is hardly enough to pay our bills and I cannot work until I am strong enough. At the present I could only handle part time jobs that do not require much physical effort, but there are so many unemployed that are a lot more fit than I and so few job openings that I don't have a lot of chance for that.

Whatever stitching I have done, I've done it these past months when I was well enough to hold the needle again. Here are some pictures of my recent finishes. If I remember to take photos of them framed, I will post those too.

I cannot promise updating the blog regularly, but I will definitely try. I missed the stitching communities and all the lovely friends I have made on the message boards.


Lucy said...

You are stronger than you think...don't ever give up the fight! Beautiful stitching by the way...and keep blogging so we know you are doing okay.

Meari said...

I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been going very well for you. I agree with Lucy, you're stronger than you think. Your DD is so beautiful. Your stitching is wonderful. Keep that chin up!